The Mary Sue Squad
by Alashiya
Summary: Jack faces his greatest challenge ever: the terrifying Mary Sue Squad!


THE MARY SUE SQUAD  
  
NOTES: Miaka wanted to appear here; all other names have been omitted to protect the guilty.  
The citations Mr. and Mrs. Samurai Jack receive herein were taken from the elements of "Mary Sue" quizzes that can be found in various Internet sites.  
  
Home!  
  
He was home!  
  
The mission was accomplished, Aku was dead, Tokugawa Toshiro was a free man. He could cast off the alias "Samurai Jack" along with the threadbare white kimono he'd worn for so long. Earlier today, he, his family, and his friends had watched solemnly as the dingy garment burned. (He had had no choice but to burn it; during his brief stay in the Pit, he had picked up fleas.) To Toshiro, the burning had been almost in the nature of a ceremony. As he watched the smoke rise, he had felt as if he were also watching four years of terror, loneliness, and despair drift away.  
  
Now that it was bedtime, four years of almost complete celibacy were going to drift away, too, and none too soon. He sat up in bed, looking at the little pot of fragrant incense on the floor. His wife, Hiroko, came in. She hiked her blue cotton yukata slightly, so the hem would not brush the smoldering incense, and stood astraddle the pot, sinking into a half- squat over the scented smoke. She grinned at Toshiro. He grinned back. Hiroko crossed the room and got into bed with him as he luxuriated in the normalcy of it all. Life was normal again. Life was good.  
  
Hiroko undid his topknot and shook out his black hair, letting it flow through her fingers. "My lord needs a haircut."  
  
"Tomorrow," he agreed. "Tonight..." His grin widened.  
  
Hiroko turned the lamp flame down and snuggled against him. "Toshiro," she said softly, stroking his scarred arm. "Toshiro, Toshiro..."  
  
Somebody scratched at the door impatiently.  
  
"Who could that be, at this hour?" Toshiro said.  
  
"Shall I dismiss them?"  
  
That was a tempting suggestion, but... "No, better not, it might be urgent." He sighed. "Come in!"  
  
An officious-looking woman in a severely tailored black uniform entered. Her hair was pulled back in a tight bun. She held a fat pad in her left hand; her right held a pen poised to write. "Minamoto Hiroko?" she said sternly.  
  
"Hai?" Hiroko said.  
  
"Ma'am, I represent the Mary Sue patrol, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to cite you." The woman scribbled, tore a sheet off the pad, handed it to Hiroko. "That's a five-yen fine for knowing his real name."  
  
"What?" Hiroko said.  
  
"She's my wife!" Toshiro said. "How can you fine her for knowing my name? That's ridiculous!"  
  
The woman shrugged. "It's a flagrant Mary Sue violation for a woman to know Samurai Jack's real name."  
  
Toshiro, who never wanted to hear the words 'Samurai Jack' again for as long as he lived, started to snap at the woman not to call him that, and then paused. One of these days he was going to be shogun. It wouldn't set a very good example for the citizens if either he or his wife were known to have committed any violations of any rules, however stupid the rules might be. So he forced a smile and suggested, "Madam, my wife can't help knowing my name, but will you tear up the ticket if she agrees not to call me by it? I can be 'Jack' again if I must."  
  
"Well, all right." The stern woman reclaimed the ticket. "Goodnight, folks." She left, sliding the door shut behind her.  
  
"Thank you, To--er, Jack," Hiroko said, looking after the woman in bewilderment. "I--er--do you have any idea what that was all about?"  
  
"None whatever, but I'll certainly look into it tomorrow." And unless there's a damned good explanation for all this, heads will roll, Jack thought. Firmly suppressing his annoyance for now--he had looked forward to this moment for four years, and he wasn't going to allow the Mary Sue Patrol to ruin it--he put his arms around his wife. "Another thing I must do tomorrow," he said lightly, "is thank my parents."  
  
"For what?"  
  
"For arranging my marriage." He chucked her under the chin. "To the most beautiful, most noble lady in all Japan!" Hiroko giggled.  
  
This time the door banged open so hard it rattled in the slide, and an even more officious-looking woman barged in, ticket book in hand. "I heard that! Samurai Jack, you know perfectly well you're not allowed to be married to anyone who's royalty or nobility--"  
  
"But he couldn't help it!" Hiroko said, leaping to his defense. "He didn't ask to marry me! Our parents arranged it!"  
  
The woman paid no attention. She was writing tickets. "--and you're certainly not allowed to tell her you think she's beautiful!" She tore off the tickets, handed them to Jack with a flourish, and marched out.  
  
"All right, that's enough of this!" Jack got up and went to the door, putting on his yukata as he went, and spoke to the samurai on duty. "Jinzaemon-san! Admit no more officials tonight. I don't want to hear from anybody unless the place catches fire."  
  
"Yes, my lord."  
  
"Thank you. Hiro-san, I'll be right back."  
  
"Shall I put away those tickets for you, my lord?"  
  
"No, thanks, I'll keep them." Jack went to the toilet, where he put the tickets to good use, and then returned to his bedroom. "All quiet?" he asked Jinzaemon.  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Good. Goodnight, Jinzaemon-san."  
  
"Goodnight, my lord." Jinzaemon smiled, bowed, closed the door for him as he went in.  
  
"There, that should take care of it, there's nothing left but the window," Jack said. Their bedroom was on the fourth floor of the palace. Once again, he got into bed. "Now then. Allow me to show my gratitude for how well my wife managed my affairs in my absence."  
  
A woman in a somewhat fancier uniform than the others had worn ninja- somersaulted through the window. "Ha! You thought you'd keep me out with guards? No Mary Sue evades Captain Miaka of the Mary Sue Squad!" She lowered a rope, and, to the horror of the two people watching, other Squad members began climbing into the room. "Now then," Captain Miaka went on. "Samurai Jack, did I or did I not hear you tell her that she'd done an excellent job? That's a fifteen-yen violation! She is not allowed to do anything exceptionally well!"  
  
"Take those tickets and shove them up your--" He caught himself. If they went on in this vein, there would be bloodshed. He'd seen enough of that in the future, and also, even the Squad members were entitled to the legal niceties. So he controlled himself with a mighty effort. "Look, Miaka-san. I don't know who you are. I don't know where you came from. I don't know who told you you could go around prying into my private business and writing these absurd tickets. And tonight, I don't care about all that. Tonight, all I care about is that I haven't seen my family in four years. So if I can't get rid of you people, then for tonight my wife and I will just proceed as if you weren't here." He got back into bed.  
  
"Thank you, Jack," Hiroko said.  
  
"Toshiro," he said firmly.  
  
"Toshiro," Hiroko repeated, glaring defiantly at the Squad members. She put her arms around her husband's neck. "My lord, my lord, I missed you so."  
  
"And I you." He kissed her passionately. "Sometimes the thought of you was all that kept me going another day."  
  
"Violation!" somebody yelled.  
  
"My lord," Hiroko said, kissing him. "I would have given up all my family's lands--"  
  
"Royalty violation!"  
  
"--to bring you back safely. Rather would I have lived as the humblest peasant with you safe at home."  
  
"Selflessness violation!"  
  
Toshiro saw tears in her eyes, and he knew there had been too many tears over the last few years, so he sought to lighten the mood. "You'd have been the prettiest peasant in Japan."  
  
"Beauty violation!"  
  
Hiroko chuckled mistily, kissed him, ran her hand down his side and over his hip. He leaned over and tasted the nape of her neck.  
  
"Violation!"  
  
"Eh?" Hiroko said. "What was that one for?"  
  
"You two are having entirely too much fun," a Squad member said severely.  
  
"He's entitled to some fun!" Hiroko's face hardened. Jumping to her feet, she pulled on her yukata and faced the scowling Squadswoman. "Now, you listen here. My husband has suffered terribly. Starving, freezing, every man's hand against him. He's been harassed enough! He doesn't need you people to add to it! And you're taking advantage of his kindness. Any other samurai, including members of my own family, I might add, would have chopped the lot of you to bits by now."  
  
"Samurai violation!"  
  
"Shut up!" Hiroko yelled. "I've had it with the lot of you!" Her eyes blazed, her cheeks reddened, her hair flowed loose. It occurred to Toshiro that his wife was looking extremely sexy in her anger.  
  
"VIOLATION!" several Squad members yelled, startling Toshiro considerably; it hadn't occurred to him that they could read his thoughts. Then he glanced down at his lap and realized that his thoughts were not what the Squad members were reading.  
  
"So," Hiroko went on, reaching a peak of righteous indignation, "if my husband is too polite to tell you people to get out, then I will! Leave him alone! Get out!" And she grabbed the nearest Squad member by the back of her uniform and heaved her out the window. There was a thud and an "Ow!" Hiroko tossed out another Squad member, then another, then another. Thuds. Yells of "Ow!" Toshiro got up and started to help.  
  
"You sit down, my lord!" Hiroko said, heaving a Squadster out. "You've put in enough effort! You're going to rest and take it easy and let us take care of you for a change!"  
  
Toshiro sat down on the foot of the futon. "Yes, dear."  
  
A feeble voice four stories below the window said, "Violation..."  
  
Pretty soon Hiroko had the room cleared of all the Mary Sue Squad except for Captain Miaka, who jumped and dodged and ninja-walked the walls in such an agile fashion that Hiroko couldn't catch her. So Toshiro got up, caught Miaka, and heaved her out the window too.  
  
"Ow!"  
  
The Mary Sue Squad was gone. Peace reigned once again. Husband and wife smiled at each other.  
  
And they lived happily ever after. 


End file.
